The energy was ecstatic and high. So much electricity moving through my body that I had to do something. I wanted to get out of the house. I needed to get away from what I didn’t want to deal with.
Ohhhhh hello distraction. I know you very well. Let’s ignore this deep core feeling, and stay high and ungrounded until it goes away?
This morning as I sit here, dealing with the come down from the chaos, I reflect on how I’d like to shame myself for how I acted yesterday. I’d like to berate myself for the years I’ve played out this pattern of mine, to ignore myself and never speak my mind. A pattern that keeps me bound to less-than-ordinary and away from the things I truely want to experience.
It’s pushing people away that I work so hard to please.
I would like to spiral into a hole of pity, but instead, today I’m deciding that it wouldn’t be useful. Instead, I’m using the energy that I have, to explore a new way of looking at my behaviour.
What I know
I ignore my hurt, to please others.
I shut my mouth, to please others.
I adjust my needs, to meet the needs of the other.
How can I look at it differently?
This is the bit where I get stuck. It’s the first time I’ve really given this part of me time to surface and be seen. I can’t see anyway to change it. I don’t know how. There’s been many times this morning during my journalling, where I’ve stopped to google the new moon meaning, I’ve downloaded Brene Brown’s book, downloaded Jeff Browns book. What else can I do, anything but journal how I’m feeling.
Where do I start to change this pattern of mine?
How can I look at this differently. How can I help myself?
Brene Brown says that being vulnerable isn’t easy. And you will get your ass kicked in the arena of vulnerability. There is some commitment to getting your ass kicked…. I mean who really wants to commit to that?
She says you need courage. That I know I have, being a Leo and a Docherty! So how do I prepare myself to get my ass kicked.
What I think vulnerability would look like for me now:
Feeling like I’ll hurt the other person, but I say it anyway.
Saying what I think, and being alone.
Asking for what I want, and the other person won’t want to do it with me.
How I could see it instead:
Not taking responsibility for the other persons feelings.
Saying what I think, and gaining respect.
Asking for what I want, and getting closer to the people who resonate.
This won’t be an easy path. I might loose people along the way. Maybe it will feel familiar eventually, that low level of anxiety that rises when I speak my mind. But for now, in the beginning it will have to be taken in baby steps. One conversation after another, noticing when the need rises – the moment I want to push it aside – the pause – and the moment I break the habit – and say what I need too.
Wish me luck!