My eyes can hardly open they’re so swollen from tears. I lay naked, wrapped in the blanket that still smells of you. I’m grieving the loss of something I haven’t yet experienced, but I so desperately want to. I want Love so bad, yet it’s too intense for me to receive. The way Love asks you to be vulnerable is too much to bare. So I push it away before it has a chance to penetrate me. As it stands in front of me demanding that I surrender.
Those first three nights we spent together were magic. But as the third night ended, my mind planted every possible ploy to get me out of there. And so I told you it was ‘goodbye’ but what I really wanted to say was ‘This is really intense for me. I don’t know how to do this. Can you help me?’.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to communicate in that moment. It was intense and a blur with a mix of strong feelings I had for you and sabotaging thoughts that had polluted my mind all night while you were sleeping. My brain was popping like fireworks and I didn’t know what was actually real compared to what were my unhelpful patterns, that were trying to convince me was real.
In any case, it was all real for me that night.
I know I am capable of Love yet I cannot seem to surrender to it. Since I can remember I have not allowed myself to surrender to Love, pleasure, or generosity from others without feeling I need to give something back. I am always comfortable to give, but a very rare occasion for me to receive.
From this moment forward, I now open to receive more, although I feel this is a selfish intention. I must explore the realm of receiving so I can find the balance of Loving freely, without attachment or expectation.
I know this will show up in all areas like money, sex and purpose.
Gently and steady, I will receive more.